Beginnings

i've moved over to the new blog here

Snapshot

fresh starts are around the corner...

For the life of me...

People, I STILL cannot get Blogger to post from my computer (blogging on the phone is lame, bytheway) and it's just from this blog. Posted fine from my private/journal blog. I don't know whats up. So weird.
I'm kind of taking it as a sign? Maybe I should start a fresh blog. New beginnings, you know? I'd still leave this one up, just wouldn't post here anymore.
There ya go. Maybe my next post will be a link to the new blog :)

Doulalife

Blogging from my phone cause blogger is giving me problems and won't let me publish. Hoping this works as I've been trying to publish since THURSDAY. Anyone else out there having problems? I can write a post, I can even save a post. But the publish button just won't click. So weird.
Anyway- Friday rocked.
What do I get when one momma client goes two weeks overdue and another one is two weeks early? Two amazing births in one day!
Seriously ladies-- when they call it your estimated due date, I don't think enough emphasis is placed on ESTIMATED. I just felt lucky I got to be at both births and didn't have to call my back up doula :)
Happy Monday, kiddos!

Unexpected

This morning set the scene for one of my lowest moments ever. I wanted to retreat even deeper into my cave and never emerge. Then from an unexpected source, I read these words:
"Are periods of trial bad times to connect with others? To develop friendships? Because we're 'not ourselves'? Or... when we're broken and humble, are we our truest selves?"
To all of you who have been with me over the last couple of years and even more recently, I thank you. You are seeing the true Emily, and I certainly have my rough features. I am broken. In the wake of my greatest life failure, I am certainly humble. While I will spare the details I won't hide the fact that I am suffering. I didn't want this. I never planned for this and those of you who have touched my life with a text, an email or a phone call--- please know, especially if I haven't responded (yet), that your friendship is so appreciated. I am moved to tears with your generosity and support.
So I'd like to just say, even the worst of days can turn around. Even the darkest of moments can bring us to places of peace and rest. Inspired friends make all the difference.

brown chicken brown cow

i'll admit it's been hard to blog. all kinds of unpublished posts going on for me. what do i say here in this public place? some days are crazy hard. some days are fabulous and most days are somewhere in between. the boys are doing great. seriously. kids are way more resilient and flexible than adults.

we've been going to our ward playgroup on wednesday mornings. mo is in like with a certain girl. we'll call her "c". c has magical powers over my son. i'm not sure what exactly it is, but when mo falls, he falls hard. he's been talking about her ever since we got home at 11 (that's almost 6 hours).

danny loves to dance. you put on some music and he shakes what his mama gave him.

i'm still plugging along on ragnar prep. finally starting to love running again. i have to go through that initial part where i hate it, hate it, hate it. and even though running a treadmill is my only option (have i told you the story where i came thisclose to dying of heat stroke?), i can run and get lost in the stride, and my breath and forget how long i've been going. for me, that's progress.

so i just decided i'm going to write everyday no matter how boring my posts are. deal? (mom, are you listening?) deal.
okay, so i'll see ya tomorrow.

*sigh* He's done it again.

Cut his hair that is.
This kiddo can't seem to keep scissors out of his hands!
I long for the days he had long curly locks and I could admire the same gene pool of hair that never looked good on my own head, but that Mo could rock out loud.
Alas, 3 times now I've made the mistake of thinking I could do something as reckless as showering... or putting Danny to bed...or taking out the trash. Because any of these scenarios leave him just enough time to snatch the scissors from the high up place (have I mentioned he's a monkey too?) and randomly chop chunks all over. This time, my friends, it is beyond repair. He's got shaved because there was nothing to salvage. (UGH!)
Just yesterday I was thinking, "Awesome! His bangs are almost completely normal! He doesn't look like a poor little orphaned boy anymore!".
Yeah. Take it from me-- don't EVER gloat about that kind of thing. Ever. Cause it never ceases to amaze me...

GratiTuesday~

J and C are cousins that live here in Mesa. These two have been the best babysitters and buddies I could ever ask for. I'm grateful to have family near by, especially during transitory times of life. Last Sunday was bitter sweet because it was the last family dinner with J around. He's graduated high school and is now up at BYU.

J, may the road rise up to meet you~

Turtles Guido and Kirby--J, C, M and D.

GratiTuesday

Every Tuesday I keep coming back to my most basic blessings when I think of gratitude. I'm so grateful for motherhood, my kids, the gospel of Jesus Christ and my work. Today, I was thinking back to one of the conversations I had with my Grandpa Coleman (Morris' namesake) before he passed away. I loved hearing of the times he was a young man parking cars for celebrities in CA and when he was just starting his orange grove business in Lehi. But one of his many stories has been popping in my mind constantly. He was just a little boy when the Mesa, AZ LDS temple was being built. He lived in what is now Pioneer park which overlooks the north side of the temple. Air conditioning was a luxury not even heard of in his young days and so to cool off in the Arizona heat at night, they would wet sheets and put them over the windows of the sleeping porch and pray for a breeze to blow so that they might feel a little cool air. They would even wet the actual sheets of their cot bedding. Uncomfortable probably doesn't begin to describe what they felt in the summers here.
I think of just how spoiled I am. Sitting here in my beautiful home with the air conditioning cranked cold, a fan blowing above me while I sip some chilled water with ice and lemon. Honestly, if my ancestors could see how I live and how quickly my gratitude slips away, they'd be rolling over in the Mesa City cemetery graves! So I'm grateful for a lot of things this week, AC being near the very top of my list.

really ragnar

have i mentioned i'm training for a ragnar relay race in septempber? i guess not. i'm a little behind updating this blog. well anyway, so i'm running a little race in san francisco in two months and i've gotta step up my training. kinda loving my little hole in the wall gym (bally's) for $16/month though i'm slightly scared they'll go out of business. i swear no one is ever there! but i guess that location has been open for 30 years so (shrug)...
what else.
oh yeah, there were some cool storms around here; monsoons and a haboob. yes, you read correctly. haboob.
i totally deep cleaned my showers ( i thought you might wanna know that) and the toilets (muy importante) and put food in my fridge. exciting stuff around here.
so that's pretty much it.
my favorite Mo moment as of late:
He squatted down while saying, "I am yoga. I am yoga!".
I asked, "Do you mean Yoda?".
"Well Mom, Yoda DOES yoga".
Touché, wise son. Touché.

He does have the ears down...

11,028

I've been on this planet for 11,028 days. It's kind of crazy to think about it that way. I feel like I've learned a lot and there's so much more to learn. I'm not content, yet I'm pleased with the progress so far. My current status is not one I'd recommend. I'm gradually getting over the shock of it to be honest with you, however I've finally come to a place of peace. Make no mistake about it, it's flipping hard to be a single parent. But the boys' dad is very involved with their lives and makes every effort to help this transition be the best it can be considering the circumstances.
I've struggled with what to write here, if anything at all. Deleting my online presence was also a consideration. Divorce always complicates and I already feel complicated. Anyway, I have no intentions of airing laundry or telling details at all really (Ugh. I can't stand gossip), but I realize I must continue to document our journey and what we're learning in this new phase. Our family has changed yet we are still a family. Messy and imperfect, yes. And still a family.

For Ramona~

Tonight I'm thinking of one of my best friends and her sweet mother. Faith has been by my side through the most difficult seasons. She always knows the right words and when silence is better than speaking. She drove 400 miles to talk me through grief so I could usher in birth.
Today her mother was given very limited time to live.
Please pray for the Haywood family.

GratiTuesday: walk this way

Danny has been walking since the week he turned one. 3 steps here, 2 steps there-- even 7 steps in a row a couple of times. But overall, he wasn't interested. He could get where he wanted to go faster by booking it across the floor on his knees. Well, yesterday that changed. Independence day, 2011, Danny found freedom and hasn't stopped since! Hallelujah, no more dirty knees! Kinda crazy that it was exactly 1 year to the day that he was blessed~ Man, I'm grateful for these kiddos. Below was just the start of his walking obsession. Now he isnt even tipsy-- but i love the excitement on his face here~

Right here where i am

here am i. hovering over the keyboard after 3 weeks. it's crazy how worlds can shift and lives can change in 21 days.
i am on a new path. starting the road to become a midwife and beginning the journey as a single mom.
starting where i'm at and going forward. forward is the only way through~

a year ago this minute

"Digging In"

more at A Ferre Tale

(pronounced Fairy)

7:28 a.m. May,26

A year ago this minute we were bringing him earthside.

Amazing how much we all love Danny.

GratiTuesday

So I mentioned I'm here in UT-- For a bunch of reasons really, but two being to doula for a friend S, and cousin, W.

W brought sweet Lola Maude earthside last night. It was an incredible birth. D whispered in his wife's ear words of support and confidence. W, a warrior mother surrendered to the surges as she brought baby down. It was a true privilege to be in that room.

And for that, the miracle of birth, I am so grateful.

One

He's kind of a big deal around here. I can't believe it's almost been one year since Danny arrived earthside.

My sister Aimee threw him a little fiesta up here in Utah. Did I mention I'm in Utah? No?

Mothers love their kids. I know this is nothing unique, but is it weird to just want to inhale their sweetness? Ingest their yummy goodness? Mmmm...

Earlier this week:

whine, whine, whine

So my gratiTuesday post may have sounded a bit whiney. I'm sorry. I really really meant for that whole buildup to payoff with the bit about silence. (Could you sense that?). After a night of thinking about it, it seemed kind of weird to post that right after mother's day, when everyone else is talking about how much they are grateful for the opportunity to mother. To learn from their children in this sacred calling. And I feel that too, I do.
Anyway, I know that my hard day is just one out of billions for all of us moms. I don't really think it's unique. I actually didn't even think it was that bad. I just needed a good cry and to let out all these emotions I didn't even know I felt. All these thoughts I didn't even know I was thinking. I couldn't do that without the ability to tune in, you know? Silence was a catalyst.
I really was grateful for it. But maybe I need to work on finding that catalyst amid the noise. That old piece of wisdom that says Peace is not only found in the quiet, but true peace is something we must be able to find amidst the chaos... I'm paraphrasing here.
So thank you for seeing me in my honesty and sticking around.
Because really, if I had to choose, I'd much rather have this, than silence~

GratiTuesday

The days all blend together. It feels like I posted just yesterday.

Anyway, today was kind of a doozy and I wasn't very patient. One kiddo would nap while the other made a disaster. Then disaster kid would fall asleep right as the other would wake up. And then awake kid would get loud and wake up the first one before he should have, so then crying ensues and I think about the laundry that is probably sour in the machine and the breakfast dishes which still need washing otherwise the fruit flies will infest, which they then proceed to do. I can't seem to make either child happy so I decide to just clean instead and make myself happy but the crying hurts my heart so then I start crying and I'm so tired because not only did they not nap but I didn't nap and I really could use one. I have errands to run and children to feed and tables to clean and laundry to fold and I just want to lay in my mother's lap while she strokes my hair like she did in church when I was 4.
But my mom lives in Idaho.
And unfortunately I can't lay down on church benches anymore (don't you wish we could?!?).
I'm about to pull my hair out when the end of the night comes~
Silence.
Nothing but the sound of my own thoughts.
And there you have it. Today, I think I was more grateful for silence than I have ever, ever, ever been in my 30 years of existence upon this planet.

Happy Internation Midwives Day!!!

Is it a sign I was born on the day honoring Midwives? I think so~

GratiTuesday

This week I turn 30. It's true. And something feels so fresh about this year, it's exciting. I feel that I'm finally shedding some of my outer layer. Letting go of that which does not serve me and distilling my daily acts to match my life's purpose. It's flippin' hard, but there are moments-- like right now-- after a crazy day of crying, grumpy children, tons of chores left undone and unwashed hair-- that I can see clearly. All that stuff, it's necessary to my path. I can't really understand another mother until I've survived several 3 year old tantrums by noon and had leftover breakfast oatmeal in my hair that gets fished out at dinner. I believe that every day I gain another small measure of gratitude for the life my own mother has lived. God bless her.

She has been there for us through our hardest trials. Financial struggles, having babies, moving, moving, and moving again. Losing babies and struggling to magnify my church callings. She's experienced all of that herself and is someone I know can really relate. Right now she lives in Idaho, and from what I hear, she's been having fun on the farm toys; harvesting the fields, bailing hay, mowing lawns and breathing that fresh, clean, Idaho air. I love you, Mom!

Shout Out

If you live in the Phoenix/Mesa area, I hope you know about -- I Heart Mesa. I'm kind of proud that I've had their button on my side bar from the first month they started.

Kathryn and Marily are uber cool Moms that give the scoop on awesome stuff to do in the valley. Today there might be a shout out for my little endeavor and heart work over on IHM.

Go check it out!

The Giveaway has been extended till Friday at 12 noon. Four easy ways to enter~

Date night on me!

Dirt angels

This afternoon has been nice. Getting work done on the computer as I watch the boys play outside in the yard. The yard of dirt. Don't get me started on the lawn we've planted 4 times. Apparently the African Sumacs that line our fence providing awesome shade are also poisonous to grass and give shade at the wrong time of day conducive to lawn growth. I digress.

So I look out seeing their dirty little hands and faces, pathetically playing in the dirt. I thought, "Oh man. I need to get out more with them". So I say, "Mo, would you like to go on a ride to the park?"-- because of course the park with gorgeous green grass and large play structures would be more fun than our back dirt, right?

He called back, "No mom. I'm just having fun"-- as he lays down in the dirt, pushing his arms and legs side to side as one would do in the snow.

Kids are just gold aren't they?

I'm trying to be a better mom. Trying to keep my cool intact when the milk spills and trying to find the silver lining when things don't go my way. My boys are already pretty good at that (except when Mo's Transformer breaks-- then all bets are off).

So, this post is a little wordy. And random. But I'm just going with it...

Oh, and would you be a dear and enter my Giveaway over HERE ? 4 ways to enter and it's really easy. Truly. I don't ask you to do any back flips or any crazy stuff. Promise. And while you're at, wanna "like" my Peaceful Birth Services FB page? Thanks.

GratiTuesday

I realize I need to step it up a notch on GratiTuesdays.
Today I had to dig deep to find my true gratitude. Some days are easier than others and the feelings just wash over me. I feel so blessed it hurts, my heart bursts and I can hardly contain my emotion.
But if I'm being completely honest with you, today I was a whiner. Everything felt hard. It seemed nothing was going my way and I internally complained to the Lord about every 5 minutes.
Tonight as I was putting Mo to bed, he put his hands on my cheeks and pulled my face close--With that simple gesture I think I felt a small part of the endless, complete love our Father in Heaven has for all of us. And the memory of all my blessings came flooding to the forefront of my mind. How do I forget so dadgum quickly?
I feel grateful for running water-- to brush my teeth and wash my face. Such a gift. Tonight it meant everything as I needed to refresh from this day~

No brainer

Do you like yummy food? Do you like entertainment?
Do you like FREE?
If so, go check out the giveaway on my other blog.
Trying to appeal to the masses here, folks.

Sweet Giveaway HERE.

When A Baby Dies

Video by Open Fire Media

If you have it, please take a moment to view this short video. It may help you understand a friend or loved one going through the loss of a child. It beautifully articulates the complicated tangle of thoughts and emotions I have felt as a babylost parent while on this road of grief.
In the end, it appropriately expresses gratitude for all the support people along the way. 5 minutes to peer into a soul-- the soul of a mother with empty arms...

I post in memory of Sheldon and Thomas

another circle

this morning: run. yoga. read. blog.
My bloggy friend, Lauran wrote this. i kind of love it.

Look and Listen
Have you ever heard a moth dream of being more than brown?
Or the honeysuckle demand rent from the butterfly?
Have you ever heard a tree bad mouth a mountain?
Or a bird sing, “For $100k the sky can be yours!”?
Have you ever seen a river run for tighter thighs?
Or a beaver constructing an investment fund?
Have you ever heard a hummingbird tweet, "Hey! Hey! It’s all about me!"
Or a cloud complain that it will soon be gone?
~Lauran Janes

Another baby?

photo by Jeanette LeBlanc

peacefulbirthaz.com

It's true. my practice is born!

i'm stoked because it really is my most authentic self and life calling to support women in pregnancy and birth. i'll finally have an outlet to this pregnancy and birth obsession.

So as you can observe above, i've made a little website. If you know anyone who is pregnant, pretty please will you pass my info along?

Peaceful Birth Services: Greater Phoenix Valley doula labor support services and Brio! Childbirth education courses.

Facebook Page Here -- and if you feel so inclined, will you "like" my page?

Sorry for the shameless self promotion. From here on out, i'll just get excited over on my other blog.

5 years

In all my recent submersion in the birth realm--- my thoughts are never too far from death. After all, death is just a birth to the next stage of life~ Transition. --- Thinking this week about my nephew, Elijah Austen Moody. Born full term, and still on this day in 2006.

Mo the photog

I love when I find random shots on my phone. I did know he was taking the first two but had forgotten about them till uploading to itunes this morning. Kinda fun.

And yes, I'm so stylish wearing gouchos from what, 6 years ago? Whatevs.

Oh, and go HERE to see some pics I took at a birth I doula'd for last week : )

Nothing graphic, just gorgeous Mama Farabee and perfect baby~