borrowing

I borrow traditions.
If it works, if it gets me through, if it brings the spirit, I believe it to be good.

Sunday was El Dia de los Muertos - The Day of the Dead in Latin cultures. A year ago, Nov. 1-- Marinah called from deep in Chiapas, Mexico. She heard about the boys and wanted to honor them. She lit candles. I decided to do the same.

Judaism provides a beautiful, structured approach to mourning that involves three stages. When followed, these stages guide mourners through tragic loss and pain and gradually ease them back into the world.

I have felt quite connected with mourning traditions of the Jewish faith over the last year. The symbolism in these practices resonates with me and coincides quite well with my own beliefs and values.
Technically, the stage (Shiva) in which mourners refrain from cutting their hair ends after 30 days.
I wasn't ready.
I thought maybe at 6 months, then 9.
Saturday, I was ready.

One lock...

12 inches donated to Locks of Love.
An inch for every month.



Mo takes a pic

I want to say my deepest, most heartfelt thank you to everyone who has been there for us this last year. Whether it be a hug, email, text or phone call---I'm not sure I can adequately express my gratitude for our friendships and the ways in which you have sustained my spirit.
I have awesome updates on the blanket project and yet another
Big reveal.
(no, it's not about me)

In memory

Feeling

i sit down, and i'm not even sure what to write. my mind and heart are floating around me in a billion pieces and it seems ridiculous to even try writing anything i feel.
There is just too much.
Looking over the last year----the last 18 months actually, is so strange. It feels we've lived a lifetime and yet, only minutes have passed.

i close my eyes and i'm there.

On my back. Pleading. Out loud, for the Lord to take me instead.
A breath.
Peace washes over me.
Of course i must stay. Of course they must go.

We hold them. Breathe them in.

Clutching their casket in morning traffic.

Days and days in bed.
Days and days of closed curtains.
Living in the night of life.
Good times have come since then. But i allow myself to remember the night. When the grief of losing them is minimized, so is the joy of having them.

After awhile

It has been a week since i felt i could sit down at my computer. i am overwhelmed in a lot of ways. Overwhelmed by other's generosity and overwhelmed by the days approaching.
Tomorrow is Rog's birthday. i love him so much. This last year has been tough on him in so many ways. Worrying about how to support our family just days after losing the boys. Paying hospital and funeral bills was only a fraction of his thoughts. It is beyond me how he has even survived.

i had been working on a post about how to help a grieving mother, as i've had so many angels serve me this last year. But the other night as Rog and i talked, i became accutely aware of how difficult it is for men to grieve. Very seldom do they have a blog community or friends who ask how they are doing---ask about their grief---ask if they need a shoulder to cry on. Too often his shoulder is burdened with my tears. Men sense they must be strong to support the family's grief.

i have felt your support and thank you endlessly. In the following days i ask you to keep Roger and Morris specifically in your thoughts and prayers.
All my love,
emily

Some things will never change

We're pretty sure the boys would want us to decorate for their birthday.

A few people have asked how I feel about Halloween now.

I say, I have 2 more reasons to celebrate!

Half way there

If you are joining in the BOM challenge, it's halfway through. So that would be about page 265ish (or Alma 22). If you are behind, no worries! You've got 2 weeks to catch up: ) You could even start it today and finish in time by reading 33 pages a day.

Anyway, the weather has been gorgeous here. Cloudy days with fits and spurts of rain then sunshine. My favorite.

Last night we had dutch oven chili and cobbler by the beach.

Just what my soul needed.

Remembering to never forget

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant loss Remembrance Day.
Click HERE for more info
Please take a moment to remember those babies who were lost and the families who grieve their departure.
A call, an email, a prayer & hugs are all helpful as well...

Treasures

I found some old pictures that made me smile today.

Morris falling asleep (the only time ever) in the high chair, and one of his spontaneous smiles.

I love this boy.

Honoring Sheldon and Thomas

Read their story HERE

scroll down to the beginning

Dear Friends and Family,
As we come upon the one year anniversary of our sweet boys’ angel day, we have been working on a service project and would love your help!
An organization called Newborns in Need provided our family with an invaluable service, giving us baby blankets to swaddle our sweet babies in during our short time with them and then keep as remembrance. They also provided clothing and blankets to bury them in. In our darkest hour this Christ like service was more comfort than a mother could ever express.
Newborns in Need has told us at this time they are in dire need of blankets such as the ones we were given. There are 4 different ways you can help.
1. Forward this blog to someone you know.
2. Donate fabric or thread.
3. Make an 18" x 22" blanket either with fabric you have purchased or with fabric we give you.
4. Donate money to go toward purchasing fabric for us to make the blankets. Any amount is helpful. Even a few dollars can purchase enough fabric for one blanket.

Please let me know if you can help us be doing any of these. It is greatly appreciated. Our goal is to donate 31 blankets for their angel day, October 31st. You can contact me at emidinkl@yahoo.com
Thank you in advance for your service. You can never know what it means to our family.
Warmly,
Roger, Emily & Morris
In memory of Sheldon and Thomas

http://www.newbornsinneed.org/
Hospital Incubator Blanket: 18" x 22" blanket
Select white or baby-pastel flannel or fleece fabric for the incubator blanket. Flannel blanket can be one thickness or two. One thickness: serge blanket edges, or turn under a narrow hem and stitch with a regular straight stitch or a zigzag stitch. Double thickness: stitch right sides of fabric together, leave opening, and turn inside out. Whip stitch opening closed. Sew ¼" seam all around the outside edges. If desired, sew blanket edges with blanket stitch in DMC embroidery floss or DMC #5 Pearl Cotton. Flannel incubator blanket can also have rounded corners. If desired, finish this blanket with a small crochet edge in Size 10, 100% Mercerized Cotton Crochet thread. No lace on the incubator blankets. Fleece blanket edges can be sewn with matching Satin Blanket Binding using straight or mitered corners, or finish fleece blanket edges with blanket stitch in DMC #5 Pearl Cotton.
Needed materials
Fabrics 22”x24”— Cotton Flannel, Fleece, Cotton interlock (because of allergies please avoid wool fabrics)
Notions:
Serger or regular sewing thread
Quilt batting
Polyfill

Harvest Moon Soiree

Tonight I finally met Leigh.

~As beautiful in person as she is in her blog.

And if you need a doula, she's your girl.

Thank you for the invite, Leigh.

xoxo

me and Leigh

Clearing the air

So. I'm out of town.
I haven't posted cause I have no internet access.
However, I am visiting the inlaws and have access for about 15 minutes so I thought I'd clear something up while I've got the time.
No, on Novemeber 2nd I will not announce that I am pregnant.
I wish.
Apparently I made a few people think that with my mysterious "big reveal" talk.
I'm not Oprah, so there won't be any free cars, houses, or Nate Berkus makeovers either.
But I think you'll like it. Or at the very least you'll be amused.
I just didn't want anyone to be disappointed.
When Roger came in and said, "Is there something you're not telling me?" and then Mom called today saying, "I hope you'll tell me before you tell the world", and then a dear friend told me I "have the glow" (but really she had just read the post)--I figured I had led you astray.
My bad.
Now that I've got that cleared up,
I hope you'll join us for General Conference this weekend.
It's gonna rock.

My heart in 3 movements

Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata mvt. 1

Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata mvt. 2

Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata mvt. 3

Getting Through

We're surviving over here.
Sometimes even doing better than okay.

I'm constantly finding accounts of others' suffering. True stories devastating to the heart. Remembering to pray for them in their trials and in their grief. I wonder how I can love a stranger so fully. Feel of their pains so vividly. Then I am reminded that is what we are here to do. To bear up one another's burdens and share in each other's joys.
I am grateful to true friends and family. Thank you, for doing both.
There are joys to come.

My favorite verses so far this time around:
1Nephi 11:
21 And the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?
22 And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.
23 And he spake unto me, saying: Yea, and the most joyous to the soul.

Ponderings

Thinking a lot these days.
Feeling alternately grateful and mournful. Often both at once.
We've been pondering ways to take and learn from what comes up. We're planning a few ways to honor our boys.
First we are going to read the entire Book of Mormon, finishing on their Angel Day (October 31st). If you'd like to join us, 531 pages divided by 37 days is roughly 14.5 pages per day. We'd love to hear your experience~
Second, we are making items to donate to Newborns in Need--the organization who provided us with the blankets, booties, caps and dressing gowns to bury Sheldon and Thomas in. Anyone who has lost a preemie should not have to worry about finding something small enough to fit. Newborns in Need is the charity who gives this invaluable service. If you would like to help in making a blanket, please comment or contact me at emidinkl@yahoo.com for details.
The last thing is a surprise. You'll have to tune in on November 2nd for the big reveal. I might be so excited I do it earlier.
Thank you for the support you've given over the last 11 months. I hardly think we'd have survived in one piece were it not for your prayers and kind emails. There have been days I thought I'd die from being heartbroken.
Dramatic? Yes.
True? Absolutely.

Per request

Dear Everyonewhoreadmylastpost,

So I stirred the pot, didn't I?
I adore the die-hard Twilight fans who gave it right back to me. I enjoy the light hearted banter. It makes me smile when people can dish it out just like I gave it. If you only know me through the blog, you might think I'm this stubborn woman who has black and white opinions about everything from politics to religion, to Twilight and can't stand anyone with a different point of view. (Usually writers have to be that way to avoid sounding wishy washy.) The fact of the matter is most my good friends disagree with me on any or all of politics, religion and most definitely Twilight!
(GASP)
Yes. I enjoy hearing the other side of the issues. I learn a lot-- not only about the issue itself and why others feel the way they do, but also about myself and my degree of believe in what it is I am yelling from the rooftops. And you know what else?
Sometime I change my mind.
Shhhh ... don't tell anyone.
Not this time though.

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

Dear Stephenie Meyer,
Here's the deal: I think it is way cool you wrote some books that got tweens reading who had previously hated to read. Heck, it got many Moms reading who hadn't read anything but blogs in MONTHS! Reading is awesome, and for that reason alone I can appreciate your literary works.
Two of my best friends are fans. And so is my (41 year old) sister. I do recognize that my Anti-Twilight leanings put me in the minority. But then so did birthing my son at home and not voting for Obama. Especially since most moms who birth at home then voted for Obama. Man I'm in a really strange minority. But I'm kinda used to it. It ain't no thing.
You've made a buttload of money. That too is cool. If I had thought to write the series, I certainly would have, cause girl?! you're raking it in! In a lame economy to boot! That's true talent.
So Stephenie Meyer. I commend you. Even though I make fun of Twilight. Even though I laughed out loud during the movie, offending friends who had invited me, I commend you.
Maybe we could do lunch sometime? Feel free to rip apart my blog. It's only fair.
Warmly,
Emily Ruth

I'm leaving comments open in case, ya know, Stephenie drops by.

Anti-Twilight

Okay.
Edward Cullen is 104 years old. Bella is 17. (I looked it up)
Is that creepy to anyone else?
Discuss.

Lessons in friendship from a cat

If you know me, you might be laughing right now.

I love my cats. We've raised them since they were kittens and lovingly refer to them as "the girls" (Mom, Aimee and Luisa--you can appreciate that).

This past week, which was rough, (if I hadn't hit you on top of the head with that one) I was made aware of a few things I should learn from my cats.
Here they are:
1. If you are crying, a true friend runs to you, not away from you.
In our society, it is common to think, "She needs her space" or "He needs some time alone". I know I have thought that before. You know what? In my humble opinion, that's a bunch of malarky. I've learned that when someone shows they can see me with all my flaws: my red puffy eyes from crying, my greasy hair because I haven't the emotional energy to wash it in 3 days, my disastrous house ... when they can see all that and still want to help, or hug me, or cry with me---those are loyal, undeviating friends. Who in their darkest hour doesn't want support? We may be fearful of criticism and so draw away. But real support? No one turns it down. It never ceases to amaze me how whenever someone is crying, my cats come. They come to comfort.
BE THERE.

2. A true friend listens.
Now, I may or may not have talked to my cats. I may or may not have vented entire accounts until every last detail has been relayed moment by moment.
I may have.
I may not have.
But if I had, I know they would listen.They always do.
LISTEN

3. A true friend communicates.
One of the things I adored most about Reese from the beginning was her constant communication. We got her from a shelter. She was tiny, and had possibly been abused (broken tail)---She would meow and sniff our faces and nuzzle our necks. When she is content or grateful for being stroked, or having her back scratched, she purrs loudly and doesn't hide her happiness. She also gets so relaxed she drools a little bit. (I know. Kinda gross.) I never have to wonder where I stand with Reese. If I accidentally step on her tail, she lets me know and then quickly forgives. But then, she's careful not to put herself in a position to get stepped on again. She's not a doormat.
COMMUNICATE.

4. A true friend will receive, as well as give.
Cats have got it figured out. When Trisha wants a back scratch--she lets me know. She does everything she can to tell me she wants my hand on her back. She'll even move side to side if she has to. And so, when I am in need of a cat snuggle, I know she is right there.
RECEIVE AND GIVE.

I am glad to have friends who already understand these principles. I have seen time and time again when the Lord sends me friends in times of need. It's been a friend at the door with food on a day I couldn't get out of bed. Sometimes it's a stranger with an email. Sometimes it's my cat jumping into my lap.
Every time I'm grateful. I have been taught well and hope to be that friend for others.

Everyone has a truth

It's just a matter of what we let others see about us. Do we tell the truth about ourselves?

If you thought I lost control in my last post, I didn't. I rarely have feelings like that, and when I do, I don't have the control or presence of mind to express them. I won't go on and on justifying my feelings. I'm nothing but honest here, even when it shows my vulnerability. My weakness. Besides, that person doesn't read this blog anyway...

If you want to understand the heart of a woman who has lost a child, go HERE. Her post is heartbreaking and genuine. She helped me so much this week.
And another Mama HERE said it perfectly as well.
Women who have the strength to tell the truth, both in their joys and their sorrows, amaze me.
Because I see them, in all their truth.

Rearranging

The first couple of times it happened, I tried to brush it off. Smile and say, "It's okay". I tried to not feel my innards shift completely into my throat and my heart sink below my stomach. Even though I was dying inside, I tried to not scream their names at the top of my lungs.
Sheldon and Thomas. Sheldon and Thomas!
They were alive.
They were human beings.
If you love someone, if you are close to someone, you learn their names, right?
Not just the ones who are living.
It hasn't even. Been. A. Year.
"Not everyone feels your loss the way you do, Emily. People have to move on".
I get it. I truly do.
I don't expect strangers and acquaintances to remember. Even friends I don't see that often.
But this has happened with those who should know.
Please remember their names.
Sheldon Childers.
Thomas Childers.

I will never forget

Raising the Flag at Ground Zero by Thomas E. Franklin

FDNY FIREFIGHTERS RAISING A FLAG OVER THE WORLD TRADE TOWER DISASTER SITE WHERE 343 OF THEIR FELLOW FIREFIGHTERS WERE LOST ON SEPTEMBER 11, 2001

The best post in the universe. Literally.

I signed up for emails about how to improve my grammar. Yes, this is for your benefit. I'm always thinking about you. So Copyblogger shows up in my email today. It made me chuckle. Hopefully I've not offended you with too many of the top 5 mistakes Author Johnny B. Truant points out. You should read the whole thing. Go HERE.
For your enjoyment...
Incorrect use of “literally”
Please don’t do this with a straight face. Not only will you look uneducated, you’ll also look absolutely hilarious.
Example: Kristen Stewart from the Twilight movies recently told a reporter, “I get to do something that literally if I didn’t get to do it, I would implode.”
Now, think about that for a second. If Kristen couldn’t act, she would actually collapse in upon herself like a black hole. I’d like to see that.
I collect “literally” mentions. Britney Spears has been “literally on a roller coaster to hell.” Crowds have “literally turned the city upside down.” And in a particularly grisly turn of events, a mall Santa reported that needy, sad children “literally tear his heart out.”
Whenever you use “literally,” stop and think about whether or not what you’re saying is actually true, in those exact words. If it’s not, use “practically,” “essentially,” or (ideally) “metaphorically” instead.
If there’s one thing you don’t want to be, it’s accidentally hilarious. Seriously, trust me on this one.

Figures...

Your PERSONAL issues Score is 80%.

Your ECONOMIC issues Score is 100%.
According to your answers, the political group that agrees with you most is...

LIBERTARIANS support maximum liberty in both personal and
economic matters. They advocate a much smaller government; one
that is limited to protecting individuals from coercion and violence.
Libertarians tend to embrace individual responsibility, oppose
government bureaucracy and taxes, promote private charity, tolerate
diverse lifestyles, support the free market, and defend civil liberties.

Find out where you stand HERE

Come back and tell me where you're at! : )

I know I'm friends with people all over the map...

We heart Butterflies

The Monarch Vivarium

Dr. Sears and Bionorica Giveaway

If you are a Dr. Sears fan, on my natural blog is a giveaway of his book, The Healthiest Kid in the Neighborhood and a rad herbal flu remedy from Germany HERE.
Check it out.
Peace.

Check and check

Check out the Empire today.
Oh yeah--and I'm doing a giveaway at YNBAM.
Check that out too.
Go on. You know you wanna.

Sweet relief

Have I mentioned Mi Amore is home?

Well, he is.

Back with bug bites and all...
He's pretty much my hero. I love when he gets a little stubble.

I took the above photo of Rog holding our nephew just days before we *created* Morris. (TMI, I know. Get over it).
I mean, what could be hotter than a man with a 5 O'clock shadow, holding a baby?
Nothing, I tell you.

Nothing.

Little Kicks

I so needed this today.

He does this thing. Slightly reminiscent of episode 138.

And yes. He loves himself a little Earth, Wind & Fire.

But who doesn't?

We love Ruby

Roger flew to San Jose today for a camping trip with his Dad.

So of course we had to enjoy our last supper together at Ruby's Diner.

Oh how we love the Pier.

Roger thinks real hard and then lets me order whatever I want-
(we split a plate cause it's like 3 days worth of calories).
I always get the Super Burger.
Cause what's not to love about avocado on a burger?

When we say, "Make a funny face"
this is what we get.

The End.

Loving...

Jewel's Lullaby

Great for kids.

Perfect for adults.
And she's pretty much amazing live, which isn't always the case these days.

Don't forget

From Oceanside Pier 8/6/09

to Breathe.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

I have not posted any of our Balboa Park trips.

For SoCal residents they have free Tuesdays and each week different museums are free.

It's pretty much awesome.

We love to make it there around noon and do a picnic in the Gardens or by the reflection pools. Then we're off to the museums. Mo is exhausted by the end (which is hard to do cause he never seems to run out of energy), sleeps for a good 2 hours, at least.

I love it~

San Diego Air & Space Museum

Mo & Cousin Sarah

Model Railroad Museum

San Diego Automotive Museum

Gardens

Dancing

Priorities

I'm not writing much these days.

Quail Botanical Gardens

Trying to log a little less,

live a little more.

With the cruddy camera

I took these pics with the point and shoot (have I mentioned it is nearly as ancient as Gollum) because the airport stole my battery charger for the Nikon.

No joke.

I'm going to claim it. As soon as I figure out how to do that.

Anyway, I had my charger when I packed for Utah.

I didn't when I got there. So all those ridiculous pics I could've taken of these rainbows?

Lost forever.

Oh well. These will do.

THIS article rocks, if you're wanting to learn how to photograph rainbows.

The double rainbow was so vibrant to the naked eye.

To a canon point and shoot?

Not so much...